The other day I opened my email and found the following from my niece Emily (now serving an LDS Mission in Chile):

Hey uncle!

Hey, I´ve got a favor to ask…. So, we’ve got this investigator, (well, sort of. He’s actually not an investigator because he’s a less active member) and he’s really struggling because he had a great mormon life. He served a mission, he got married in the temple. But now he’s divorced, and has been for quite a few years, and he feels like he did everything right and he had his eternal family, and then it didn’t work so obviously the church doesn’t work. And I thought of you. Because you’ve been through that, and your still strong, and that’s so cool. He has a girlfriend that he lives with now and they have a son, and I really want to help him see that he can have an eternal family still and it’ll all be okay, and I was wondering if you could send me your testimony of the gospel and of families and God and whatever else. I mean, you don’t have to, but I think it might help him to see someone else who understands sort of what he’s gone through and still has that testimony. 

Thank you!

Love,

Hermana Andersen

When I first read this, I thought, wow, have I pulled the wool over her eyes.  But after some thought and time, I wrote back with the following response.

Hey Niece!

Emily,

Come sta?  Spero che tutto va bene.   Whoops, wrong language.  But since Italian and Spanish are both latin based, you can probably figure it out. 

I am flattered that you believe that I am still strong in the Gospel, where I sometimes find myself struggling with my faith.  But with these struggles, I feel that I have learned a lot and gained a better understanding of me and my life.  Though there are some struggles that I would have avoided, if possible, I believe that I have become a better person because of them, a stronger person.    

My first divorce was a decision made by someone else and I suffered greatly because of it.  I did not want it and it was gut wrenching.  My children were moved 3 hours away and my contact with them from that time forward was somewhat limited.  My second divorce was the result of choices I made.  I asked forgiveness, but it was not given.  As I look back I see my fault in both situations and it was definitely not the fault of God. 

Too many times we rely on God to solve all our problems.  Our faith in God is critical to our existence. It is this faith that helps us progress through life, in the hope for a better understanding of who and what we are. But, we have to be careful that while we exercise our faith in God that we don’t displace where the responsibility lies for the struggles we have in life. 

We say, if God really cared about me, he would remove these stumbling blocks from before me and my life would be easy.  We fail to realize that sometimes the struggles are what we chose for ourselves, knowing that God would have us do differently.  There have been times in my life where I felt what I was choosing was not the right way and yet I chose to do it.  Our tendency it find someone to blame when things do not go our way and the easiest person to blame is God.  In a way it is like being at home with the family.  There are times if something goes wrong, we get mad at our parents or our siblings and act in a way we would never act outside the home.  We do this because we know those closest to us will love and forgive us.  I can remember yelling at my mother and then saying I was sorry and her forgiving me and telling me she loved me.  I believe God works in a similar fashion.  His love is powerful and always there to help and lift us up.    

I believe it all comes down to the choices we as individuals make in our lives.  If the results turn out good, we thank God for our blessings.  If the results are less than good, we then blame God for allowing it.  There are times when others make choices that can hurt us.  We have no control over other people because we all have the agency to act, but we still suffer the consequences of their choices.  Is this all fair?  Those looking to blame would say “No, it isn’t fair.  It isn’t my fault.  How could God allow this.”, but those looking to grow would say, “What can I learn from this experience and how can I become a better person?”.  It is easy to blame, it is harder to learn.      

I don’t believe God created this life for us to fail.  I do believe that he provided everything we need to succeed.  But he will not and does not make our choices for us.  He would want us all to listen to and follow his counsel, but will not force us down that path.      

In the end, it all comes to personal responsibility and the desire to learn what we can from each and every experience we have.  For example, If I have a desire to build my muscle strength, I go to the gym and apply resistance training to my workout (weights, etc.).  The weight resistance causes a break down in the muscle, allowing it then to rebuild stronger than before.  Without the resistance, the muscles would atrophy and eventually be worthless. 

This whole concept of resistance and growth works the same with our lives.  If we go through life without struggle or trials, I believe our faith would atrophy.  If we choose to not learn from an experience, then our faith/life will slowly atrophy and become, should we say, less than ideal.  As a parent, I want my children to become independently strong in their life.  If I make every decision or remove every consequence from their life, they do not learn, they do not grow, they cannot be independent of me.   Is not God doing the same for us?     

Jason Marz has a song called, “I’m Yours” and in the first verse he sings this:

“Sometimes I win and Sometimes I learn”. 

In the end, here is what I believe.  God is good. God has given us what we need to live a good life.  God does not remove struggle from our live, but he does allow growth and learning and gives us direction.  God is forgiving and expects us to pick ourselves up and continue on with life, even when it seems that everyone or everything is against us.  And God, in all his great wisdom, has prepared a way for us to learn empathy, forgiveness, understanding, charity and most important The Pure Love of Christ; to love when all seems lost. 

One final note.  A while back I read a quote from Buddha that I use often and find very helpful in my life:

“If you live in the past, you become depressed,

If you live in the future, you become stressed,

If you live for today, you will find peace.” 

What has happened is done, it cannot be changed, don’t stay there.  No matter how much we would like to change the past, it won’t change.  If we continually dwell on what has happened, It will only bring us sadness. 

I have no control over what happens in the future, it is not here, don’t dwell on what could or may happen, it will just bring stress into your live.

I focus on what I need to do today, right now.  I can learn from my past experiences and I can prepare for the future, but my focus has to be on today, what I am doing now.  Take care of today and tomorrow will take care of itself.  My happiness comes from making the correct decisions today and if I choose incorrectly, then learn from it, don’t condemn. 

Emily, I am not sure if this is much help, but it is what I have learned through my struggles in life.  And believe me, I am still trying to figure it all out.  I figure God put us here to learn and I learn new things about me, about life, and about God each day.  I find joy in living each day.  Being alive is a great blessing and knowing God, provides me with a direction for growth in my life.  I never blame God, remembering that I am responsible for the choices I make. 

I hope you are having a great time.  I enjoy your letters and your insight.  God bless you in all you do, but most of all remember, you choose how happy you will be each day. 

Love you.

Uncle Rich. 

I am not sure if this will help her friend or not, but I know it has helped me past some difficult times.